WORLD WAR Zzzz ....
So many things about this film bothered me I've decided to list them here.
--Like, why does Brad Pitt duct tape a magazine to his arm before he goes out to face the zombies? Does he think People is so awful it can deflect a zombie bite?
--It's never explained where the zombie virus came from--did it mutate from rabies? At least in Contagion, you could follow the course of the deadly flu from the moment the carrier stepped off the plane.
--the Harvard boy genius doctor who's going to decipher the mystery of the Z-virus
kills himself, apparently in fear, the minute he gets off the airplane, so we no sooner meet the guy than he's out of the picture.
--speaking of planes, who made the decision to send a military cargo plane, with its space big enough for tanks and Humvees, off to South Korea with only three guys on board. Waste of space, anyone? There are 2000 seamen on board the rescue ship off the coast of N. America, including highly-trained SEALS, but they instead send 2 civilians and 1 soldier off to a South Korean Army Base swarming with flesh-ripping zombies? Hoo, boo--that puts the oxymoron back into Army Intelligence.
--So Brad Pitt and 2 other guys are at a medical center, half of which is controlled by the zombies, and decide to make a foray into zombieland to obtain the desperately-needed plot device. It doesn't occur to any of them to swipe some Biohazard gear out of a closet or swathe themselves in bandages and duct tape to cut down on their biteability quotient? No, of course, they go out there uncovered, armed with only a crowbar and an ax. Yeesh!
--Israel is the only country in the world that doesn't have an invasion of Zombies because . . . uhh, they had the foresight to build walls around their country a couple weeks earlier. And . . . uh . . . they knew to build the walls because this one guy in the government saw a reference to the Indian word for zombie. Or something. Oh, who needs a reason--shut up and bring on the special effects. So they have this 80 ft. uber-wall surrounding Jerusalem and the Israelis are taking in refugees from all around the world--but wait--they're too busy celebrating to notice the fact that ten kazillion zombies are streaking across the desert and forming a living ladder--I mean an Undead ladder--- to scale the wall. Israel is a nation with the best military intelligence in the world, whose army has fought everything ever thrown against them--and they're just snoozing and don't notice they're being sneaked attacked by slavering, gibbering, mindless, brain-dead creatures? (No--not referring to U.S. Congress). Can you bite on that notion?
--The zombies themselves were actually very enjoyable. But I was laughing at inappropriate moments because these guys were so much better than the ones in
Zombieland or Sean of the Living Dead, and I was thinking how much fun it must be to play a Living Dead. You get this cool death pallor makeup, wildly rolling eyes, bleeding gums, and gashes like Birdman has tattoos. There is no such thing as overacting when it comes to portraying a zombie. You get to jerk your head around, hunch your shoulders, lurch, drool, make weird squeals, grunts and howls, lunge at people, even wet your pants. Even more fun than the New York subway at rush hour, and you get paid to do it.
--Okay, what else? Guess how North Korea solves their zombie problem? They have the teeth of all 23 million of their population pulled out. That actually seems like a good solution, because it's a known fact that zombies can gum you all they want and all you'll experience is a mild case of what looks like hickeys. Presumably Dictator for Life Kim Jong the Chubby gets away in one of his classic Cadillacs and escapes to
Jerusalem, although it really would be rather fun to see him get ripped into zombie burgers by some of the downtrodden peasants he's trodden upon all these years.
--Brad and a female Israeli soldier escape on a BelaRus Airlines plane. I don't know if this is a real airline or one just made up for the movie, but their security stinks. A zombie manages to get through the security line--presumably the security trolls were too busy inspecting people's shoes--then hides in a closet for the 8 hour flight to Jerusalem, doing whatever it is zombies do while they're waiting--playing Angry Birds or some other Smartphone game that doesn't require brains-- before suddenly deciding to lunge out at a flight attendant. This results in the kind of carnage you rarely see aboard flights unless the passengers get shorted on the free pretzels.
Go see the movie anyway. It's fun. Go with a bunch of buddies and make wisecracks all through the film. It's the only way you could watch this, and it helps you get through the occasional parts that are actually scary. Get together afterwards and think up sequels. World War . . . let's see--werewolves--so over; vampires--been there;
so what do you think? What's the next big horror craze going to be? Call in your guesses--our operators are standing by.